BANG YOUR HEAD

A few months ago, at the most recent Mormon General Conference, a man named Garrit Gong was named an apostle of the church. This is significant if for no other reason than the fact that he is the first Mormon apostle to have skin darker than medium beige ("Now are we diverse?"). Along with this new title came the accolades of "prophet, seer, and revelator" (Tell me, again, about religious humility...). Well, as it turns out, during my tenure at BYU I had a few run-ins with Mr. Gong, which allows me to say unequivocally that he (despite his skin color) is without a doubt the most "white bread" church leader I have ever met. Even by Mormon standards, he is positively vanilla.

It is generally well known that to become an apostle in the modern Mormon church you have to undergo a thorough vetting process. The church is surprisingly savvy when it comes to public relations (with a few exceptions regarding civil liberties like race, sexism, homophobia. Ya know, small stuff.), and they have a history of selecting non-controversial figures as their leaders (at least since ultra-conservative President of the church Ezra Benson led them down the "civil rights for blacks leads to Communism" path). I guess having polygamous firebrands like Joseph Smith and Brigham Young as their founders will make an organization a bit self-conscious in the public arena today. And so, evidently, for several decades the church has made it a point to stock the shelves with leaders who have about as much life experience as Charlie Brown. And Mr. Gong makes Charlie Brown look like a Garbage Pail Kid.

First, I went to a Stake Conference where Mr. Gong was the presiding authority. From what I recall, he spent some time talking about his background, and shared some anecdotes which he thought the auditorium of a thousand or more young men and young women would find spiritually uplifting. All I found was an unshakable desire for a nap, which I quickly remedied once I returned home. This was around the time in my journey out of the church that I realized that I didn't much care for church meetings which were all filled with the same weak appeals to authority, fallacious arguments from ignorance, and unfalsifiable claims about the nature of the universe. So, maybe I wasn't in the proper head space to truly appreciate the greatness of this man. Fair enough.

Second, Mr. Gong decided to make the ward circuit and hold special meetings with all of the Elders Quorums in his stake. This is not unheard of, and many Mormons today would likely envy my being present for such an intimate, close-quarters discussion led by a newly appointed apostle (never let it be said that Mormons are impervious to hero worship). So what topic did this self-proclaimed man of god and future "Special Witness of Christ" (TM) chose to impart to a classroom of young adult men and future leaders of the church? He set up the projector to display a PowerPoint presentation he had prepared about the pros and cons of the World Wide Web.

Yup. This was the indispensable information he chose to share with us. He started out by sharing some statistics about the prevalence of porn use among young men in the church (I have no idea if his numbers were accurate, but that's not really the point). And he shared a few stories about people misusing the internet and falling away from the church (usually through porn). He then countered everything he just said by pointing to all the great things the internet can be used for, like family history research, preparing for Sunday School lessons and talks, etc. You know the drill.

Of course you know the drill. Everyone knows this particular drill. And that is exactly my point. Mr. Gong had nothing of substance to add to the conversation. Every person in that room could have just as easily given the same lesson and made the same "moderation in all things" argument we've all heard a thousand times. There was nothing revolutionary about what he said. Furthermore, I recall having a conversation with my roommates (some of whom are still active believing members of the church, so don't they feel sheepish) about how pointless and uninspired that whole lesson was. Seriously, we had a good laugh on the drive home.

So what am I getting at? This is the current state of affairs for god's "One True Church" on the earth. This is the great awakening which Mormons believe is taking place all over the planet as they baptize new members and strengthen their numbers. They are becoming less and less distinct from other Christian denominations because they desperately want to be taken seriously on the world stage. And soon enough (or maybe not soon enough) the things which make the Mormon church unique in any way will be white washed away and they will look just like everyone else. They will become a distinct denomination without a difference. And maybe then, one can hope, they will finally become truly obsolete.




BONUS MATERIAL:




Mr. Gong tackling the provocative topic of science-based morality in his usual mind-numbingly mundane tone:

NOT PERFECT

I really want to enjoy the Fourth of July. I really do. I feel immense pride in and gratitude for the sacrifices others have made to allow me the freedoms I enjoy. I feel lucky to have been born into such comparative wealth to 99% of the rest of the world. I am grateful that despite the attempts of others to strip me of my right to believe according to my conscience, our secular government guarantees me the ability to say whatever I want against religion and theocratic zealots. But overt displays of patriotism just rub me the wrong way.

When I left religion many of the avenues of my patriotism went with it. I didn't realize this until I attended a local rodeo. The announcer ordered the crowd of five thousand or so to stand while he said a few words about how awesome the American flag is and what it represents. He then said a generic Christian prayer, and a guest performer sang the national anthem. In this moment I realized that my patriotism was different from that of the thousands of placating patrons surrounding me.

I have had a few more experiences similar to this incident at public events. Each time I have stood with the rest of the crowd and listened to the prayer or anthem or pledge of allegiance. And each time I pause to think if I really want to participate in the ritual.

I think what I don't like about American patriotism and causes me to second guess my own admiration for my country, is the proximity patriotism has with religious zeal. Many Americans mix the two and they make no bones about it. They often boast about it. They seem to think that their particular version of faith has an extra special relationship with the Founding Fathers or the Constitution. Sometimes they do this at the expense of those who believe differently than they do. And they do so without recognizing that a government which can discriminate against one set of beliefs, (like say, Islam or atheism) can just as easily discriminate against their own religion and for the same reasons. But since they are not the oppressed minority (and are, instead, the whining majority), they don't see the need for separation of church and state.

While I was attending Mormon-owned BYU, I took an American History class in which the professor Matthew Holland (son of prominent Mormon Apostle Jeffery Holland) explained how the separation of church and state is the only reason the Mormon church exists. Without it, the bigotry and hatred early Mormons suffered at the hands of more mainstream Protestants would have led to the federal government dismantling the religion with force. This made sense to me. But I noticed a few years later that some of my Mormon friends and family had become very vocal in their opposition to church-state separation. And I was blown away by it.

My theory is that these people have been listening to unhinged Right Wing sources like Fox News rather than tempered conservative voices like my history professor. And because of the current frenzied political climate they seem to be unable or unwilling to consider the irony in the fact that a Mormon sees no problem with churches and government being intertwined. That's like an African American suggesting that slavery might not be so bad.

It is this kind of blind fervor which causes patriotism to leave a foul taste in my mouth. The belief that god wrote the Constitution and inspired the Founding Fathers and has helped the US win every military conflict in our history (**cough, cough, Vietnam**) is fatuous and unsupported by any evidence. It is for this reason that the next time I am "invited" to stand and salute or recite some words or listen to some self-satisfying prayer, I might just sit it out. Not because I lack patriotism, but because I simply have the right to express it--or not express it--however I please. And what's more American than that?

To paraphrase Tim Minchin, "This is my country. It's not perfect, but it's mine."




BONUS MATERIAL:




Tim Minchin performing "Not Perfect."